Silence
by atypicalsnowman
Summary: SS/HP Slash Ch. 1, in which Severus decides to tell Harry how he truly feels, and Ch. 2, in which Harry opens his eyes. Now COMPLETE and with correct ending. Originally written for SeverusSighs angst!night.
1. Silence

Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling and I make no profit from this fic.

Prompt: "Wait. Please... Don't go," Severus begged in a pleading whisper as he felt his entire world break apart. 

Author's note: Thanks to thesewarmstars and WhiteCotton for the beta. Yesterday I finished my Snarry Games fic! To celebrate, SeverusSighs had an angst challenge and this is my offering. For those of you following Pains and Contradictions, I am starting on the next chapter now. Thank you all for your patience.

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"I think there's a hole in the bottom of my glass. Pour me another, Severus, would you?" Harry said, extending his arm toward him with a beseeching smile that Severus stared at for perhaps a second too long.

The bottle was in his hand before he even had a moment to consider denying the request.

"Tell me, Potter," he said, pouring Harry another, "why is it you seem to be so insatiable when it is my alcohol being guzzled? Hmm?"

Harry smiled and raised his glass in a mock salute before taking a sip then bowing his head to return to his grading.

"It's not my fault if your Scotch is so much better than mine."

"Actually it is, seeing as you are the one who is buying it. No one forces you to buy swill."

Another smile and this time Severus looked away from it before he began to smile himself. Truly this was growing ridiculous, he thought as he dabbed his quill in red ink, then marked a large 'X' on some hapless Gryffindor's potions assignment.

What could possibly be more absurd than the darling of the Wizarding World spending his evenings grading with Severus? Not much, he scoffed to himself as the ink bled into the parchment. And yet he savored these times with Harry, begrudgingly those first two years, but now more and more he was beginning to realize how very much he'd come to mean to him.

How very much Severus had fallen in love with him.

Severus sighed and gave into the desire to fidget in his chair, growing uncomfortably warm as he often did while in Harry's presence these days.

Suddenly, Harry grunted, forcing Severus out of his thoughts and redirecting his attention to the man himself, rather than just the idea of him.

"I suppose if I'm honest, I should admit that there's a reason why I'm drinking a bit more tonight."

"Oh?" Severus said, curiosity piqued.

"John called it quits this morning. And while I was in the shower, too, that bastard."

Severus' heart sped up a bit at this news, as it always did, he lamented, when Harry told him about the end of his most recent affair. He cursed himself for being so ridiculous and then again when he realized he was holding his breath.

'_Besotted doesn't suit you, Severus_,' he thought.

"Oh?" was all he could say to that, his head still bowed over the now horribly red parchment.

"Yeah," Harry said, pushing aside his papers and leaning back in his chair.

Severus supposed that the grading was done for the evening and so he did the same, then leaned back in his own seat to mirror Harry.

"When am I going to learn, Severus?" he said in a miserable tone.

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean, but in general I would say you never learn, Potter."

His attempt at humor caused a wince in his companion and Severus immediately regretted it, regretted saying anything that would cause Harry pain.

"Forgive me," he said in an even tone. "My attempt at humor–"

Harry waved him off, drink still in hand, and said, "If I got upset every time you insulted me, I'd walk around crying all day."

_Well, that wouldn't do_.

"Only in a bid for more attention, I'm sure."

Harry chuckled at that and Severus' heart soared.

"But really, Severus, when _am_ I going to learn not to date these...boys?"

_Boys_?

"Sometimes I forget I'm a veteran and that while John and the rest of them are the same age as me, they haven't seen the things I've seen or...been through a war. Does that make me sound self-righteous?"

_Oh_, Severus thought, and rushed to reassure Harry. "Not in the least. It is only natural for you to seek out someone who would...understand your life."

Severus turned away from Harry and took a sip of his drink, not believing he had said something so completely obvious. He might as well have spelled it out for him.

"All my life...all I wanted was someone who would understand me and now... John said I was too dark for him, but... I don't know how to be any different and I don't want to change," Harry said, voice soft and his tone dark. "I just want someone who was there, you know? Someone who was in the thick of it and understands, someone who is just as dark as I am. Is that too much to ask?"

Heart thudding in his ears, Severus found he couldn't take this any longer. Did Harry realize he was talking about him? Who else would understand what Harry had gone through during the war? Who else would accept him for everything that he was?

Severus had sworn that he would never reveal his true feelings to Harry, knowing instinctively that he would be rejected. It was enough to have his friendship, and Severus did cherish it. Harry was the best friend he had ever had.

But what if he wanted more?

Perhaps Severus should only mention it, just allow Harry to know that Severus felt the same way, but they need not do anything at the moment. He wanted Harry forever, not for just a few months the way his usual relationships worked out. If Harry thought a future was possible, he could wait.

Severus was willing to wait as long as Harry needed him to.

His stomach churning, Severus decided he needed to tell him or he would never be able to rest again.

"Harry, may we speak of something? There's something I'd like to discuss with you...just this once and then we need never speak of it again, until you're ready."

Harry looked over, curiously, most likely due to the use of his given name.

"Of course, Severus. Is something wrong?"

"No," Severus said, putting down his glass and turning towards Harry. "There is something I have been...hesitant to mention to you, but hearing you speak about the state of your affairs has prompted me to break my silence."

Harry frowned so that a tiny wrinkle appeared in between his eyebrows and Severus almost smiled.

"Okay," Harry said slowly, hesitantly.

"I understand that you are a young man and that you could have any partner you want. But, as you have said, it is difficult to find someone who understands all that you are."

Harry nodded and the frown left his face.

"You are young," Severus repeated, just so Harry would know that he understood. "But I just–I wondered if you...realized how incredibly perfect we would be...together... And that if you asked it of me, I would wait for you as long as you would want me to."

There. He'd said it. A part of him was relieved even as another part screamed at him for being such a fool.

Now he just had to wait on Harry.

Harry, whose eyes were wide and mouth open in shock.

Silence grew between them and he held his breath, not allowing himself to hope but praying Harry would see that which Severus thought was obvious.

"Severus...I–" he cut himself off as he ran a hand through his hair and seemed to curl in on himself. "I've...never thought of you that way before."

Cold washed over Severus as he fought to keep his face straight, even as he felt his heart break irreparably.

"I'm sorry...I...I never meant to lead you on. I–did I do something that would lead you to believe I wanted more?" Harry asked in a soft, kind tone.

Severus wanted to sink into the floor.

"No," he said, turning his head from Harry and taking a sip of his drink as though his hand was not shaking. "Of course not. Forget I mentioned it."

"Severus..."

He waved him off with a hand closed so tightly around his glass he thought it would break from the pressure.

"I'm sorry. I wish I felt that way. God knows you'd be a better partner than most of the guys I've gone out with."

Severus couldn't help a hysterical bark that came from his throat at that, nor could he stop the hand that went up to rub his temples.

"I think I should go," Harry said, placing the glass on the table as he stood to leave. He picked up his grading, his ink and his quill and made for the door.

Suddenly, Severus realized that if Harry were to walk out that door, he would never come back again. That sounded fine to his wounded ego and shattered heart, but Severus knew that he wouldn't survive the loss of Harry's friendship. He couldn't go back to a friendless, lonely existence, not after having accustomed himself to having Harry's presence in his life.

"Wait. Please... Don't go," Severus begged in a pleading whisper as he felt his entire world break apart.

He watched Harry's shoulders slump as his hand traced the doorknob.

"I really think I should. I don't feel...comfortable right now, Severus. I think I need to get away for a bit."

The last bits of Severus' heart fell to pieces as he realized in his greed he had lost the one thing he treasured most.

"I'll be back tomorrow," Harry lied. "Didn't get through with even tonight's grading so..." he said, his back still towards Severus.

He nodded, though he knew Harry couldn't see it. "Yes, of course."

"Goodbye, Severus."

The door closed and Severus sank slowly into his chair, barely able to comprehend all that he had just lost.

"Goodbye," he whispered to the silence.


	2. Softly

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine.

A/N: For Torina, who was _enraged_ at the fic the way it was and demanded a sequel. Only for you, darling.

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It began...slowly.

Harry did actually come back the next night, shuffling his feet, eyes mostly on the floor. In his shock, Severus welcomed him into his rooms with open arms and a ready bottle of the Scotch Harry seemed to like so much.

He had a sip, graded his papers in an awkward silence and left almost as soon as he had come.

Severus showed him out, then finished the bottle, cursing himself for being such a fool.

Harry continued to sit next to him at mealtimes, but there was a silence between them that Harry, to his credit, tried to fill with the normal chit-chat that would have been between them had Severus not opened his big mouth.

In the next few weeks he saw less of Harry in his rooms than he had before, though he did still come. The awkwardness was less, but still present and Severus hated it.

One day, several weeks later, he overheard chatter in the break room about Harry's new flavor of the month–some Ministry employee named Kevin or Keith or something ridiculous like that.

But the skip in Harry's steps was even shorter than usual this time around, though Severus was no longer forced to hear of Harry's failed romances.

And thank Merlin for that.

Their after-dinner grading sessions were beginning to grate on Severus, Harry's presence in his rooms only serving to remind him of the easy camaraderie and friendship he had lost.

And it was lost. Even if Harry was still physically in his rooms, the comfortable, warm feeling that had existed between for two years now was gone.

Several months later, and after two more failed romances, Severus finally got it into his head to tell Harry that he no longer had to appear in his rooms. Yes, he loved Harry–still loved Harry–but he did have some pride and would not allow himself to be pitied.

Severus took off his teaching robes and put on some comfortable black cotton pants a few minutes before Harry was due to arrive. He closed up the bottle and put away the chair Harry normally used when he was over and waited.

Steeling himself at hearing Harry's knock, he rose and strode to the door, ready to push away the still-only good thing in his life.

He opened his mouth and the door, ready to issue some scathing insult that would have Harry fleeing...

...only to see the man in question looking up at him with a face far more nervous than he had ever seen before.

"Hi," Harry said tentatively.

Severus just stood there for a moment, then nodded his greeting.

"I don't actually have a lot of grading to do tonight. Do you?"

Absentmindedly, Severus shook his head as he now took in the fact that Harry wasn't wearing his teaching robes either. He was wearing black, fitted slacks and a blue collared shirt with the button at the top undone.

"Well, I was wondering if, instead of staying in tonight, you'd like to go to the Three Broomsticks...with me?" Harry said, trailing off at the last.

Severus had no idea what to do, how to react, and so he said the first thing that came to mind.

"I'm not dressed," he said, pointing down to himself, Harry opening his eyes wide and looking as though he had never seen him before.

"I can wait," he said quickly, looking up at Severus again as though he would wait all night.

Without even a thought to deny him, Severus went back to his bedroom, put on his slacks and shirt, then, with an unsteady hand, pulled out a casual dinner robe that he had not worn since...

Well, it had been a very long time.

Something began that night, but Severus was unsure what it was exactly. Harry still came over to grade, but there was something...new, something delicate about the way he would act around him now. Almost as if he was unsure of his welcome.

A part of Severus liked that. He wanted Harry in his life, but he'd be damned if he was going to make himself so very available to a man who had nearly destroyed him.

But as much as Severus wanted to turn down the offers to dinner and drinks or the occasional weekend out, he found he never could. Harry never lost that frightened quality when he was asking: always red in the face, with his eyes on the floor, then looking up through his fringe to ask and Severus could do nothing but nod.

Besotted really didn't suit him.

To the casual observer, nothing appeared to be different, and yet Severus knew something had changed. The easiness had not returned, but in its place was something so new and so tender...

Severus could not allow himself to hope, but it felt like what he thought love was.

Not that he would know.

One night, several months into their odd arrangement, Harry walked Severus to his quarters as he always did after their nightly excursions, only this time he did not say goodnight at the door. Severus stood there staring at him, wondering what he should do. At his silent companion's prompting, he opened his own door and stepped inside, turning so Harry could come in after him.

A hand on his arm prompted him to turn back around, and then another hand was placed on the back of his neck and soft lips were kissing his.

A soft gasp was pulled from him before he had any idea of how to respond and then he kissed Harry back, his lips dry and chapped, the kiss no doubt incredibly sloppy, but it was a kiss.

It was his first kiss in...a very long time and Severus lost himself in it, in how soft it was and how Harry seemed to draw him towards himself.

A soft moan startled Severus from his thoughts and he pulled himself away from Harry, holding up a hand when he tried to come closer to him.

"Severus..."

"I should not have allowed that," Severus said, wiping a hand across his mouth. "You– You've made your feelings for me very clear..."

"No, I haven't. I was an idiot," Harry said, his eyes wide and hopeful. "I was an idiot to tell you what I did. I should have seen what I had in front of me, but I didn't."

Severus shook his head, but remained silent, not wanting Harry to know how his words had so destroyed him.

"Severus–" he said, putting a hand on his arm.

"Don't," Severus said, jerking it away. "Why would you do this now after I made an utter fool of myself? After I allowed you to..."

"To hurt you," Harry said, filling in where Severus had left off. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."

"It hardly matters."

"It does! It matters to me! You were my friend and I shouldn't– I should have told you that I'd think about it or that we could have given it a shot, but instead–"

"Instead you chose Kevin or Calvin or whatever ridiculous little boy you dated between now and then."

Harry shook his head. "I didn't think... I really hadn't thought of you like that, but...dating Keith and then Michael... Well, they were never enough. And I just kept wanting to be down here with you, or out with you, but just with you."

Severus closed his eyes as his heart fluttered. He did not want to believe Harry's words, but he had never lied to him before. Not since their friendship began.

"It took me a while, but... I want you, Severus. I'm an idiot for not seeing it sooner and I understand if you turn me down, but... If you still want me, you can have me."

He knew he should say no. He should curse and swear and throw Harry out of his rooms, ripping his heart in pieces the way Harry had done to him. He squared his shoulders, threw back his hair and opened his mouth to do just that...

But then Harry looked up and green eyes pierced through the black fringe and Severus found he could no sooner throw Harry out of his rooms than his heart.

Severus sighed and hoped that losing one battle would mean winning the war, that succumbing to Harry's charms would mean the relationship he had hoped to have months ago would be within his grasp. He allowed himself to think of it, to hope for having Harry in his life...

"Make sure I do not regret this decision," he said, his voice sounding strong and resolved even as he held his breath.

Harry's eyes lit up with joy and he almost threw himself on Severus, peppering his face with kisses.

"Yes, yes, yes. I will. I promise." Strong arms wrapped around him and a voice in his ear whispered, "Thank you."

"You will make it up me," Severus said, trying to keep his voice firm even as he wrapped his arms around Harry. Eyelashes tickled his cheek as lips began to kiss their way up to his ear.

"Yes. Even if it takes a hundred years."

Severus smiled and said nothing. The silence settled between them, and he allowed it to fill up the broken places, welcoming it at last.


End file.
